There are few things in life more perfect and at the same time more deadly then State Fair cotton candy. The warm swirled sugar is heavenly, like eating clouds made by the Gods. Upon entering your mouth you can feel the sweetness filling each and every pour of your frame as it slowly makes it’s way through your entire body. Each bite takes you closer and closer to heaven. Your tongue tingles in delight as the soft billowy masterpiece continues to enter it’s cave. Nothing could be more of a perfection, but then something begins to happen. Quickly the cottony goodness finds it’s self stuck to each and every crevice of your hand, your head starts to spin and you are reminded of the sugary after effects hidden in the fluff of your glorious candy find. Oh the joys of State Fair cotton candy.

I myself did not experience this heavenly trap until much later in life. I was nearly 17 when I had my first stick of cotton candy.

One of the greatest after effects from the Red Brick Hospital was the ‘candies’ they fed me. These candies would be a part of my life until I was 16 years old and would haunt my childhood with tests, scans and sicknesses that even to this day I have not repeated in severity. My grandmother was required to maintain my daily ‘candy’ intake and did so with great discomfort as the pills I was obligated to ingest seemed to do more harm then they did good.

It is common for a growing boy to need sleep, but I gave sleep a whole new meaning. Much like Joey Chestnut and his world record hot dog eating, I must of set the universal record for the most consecutive days sleeping while not being in a coma. Sleeping was not the only effect my candies gave me. These pills would take me on emotional roller-coaster rides that rivaled those of Disney World. One moment I would be happy and with in moments I would be tearing shelves off the walls. Literally. My mind would spin and I would lose complete control of my young body.

I was placed on these medications as to combat the ‘labels’ I was given. These pills were to help me and I was fed that line over and over again as each new candy was prescribe with a promise of fewer after effects and a new handle on life. All the while no one was looking at the whys, simply the labels.

During my first weeks with my grandmother she did what any grandmother would do, tried to entertain and spoil me. One such memory I have is of her plan to take me to the local State Fair. I had never been to a fair, but I could imagine it! The people, the rides, the animals and the real sugary candies. I had seen Charlottes Web while in my stay at the Red Brick and I had glorious memories of fairs. For a fair was an“Avertable SmocusBorge Orcousborge“. All kinds of treasures awaited anyone who was lucky enough to enter the silvery gates of a fair. This truly was a dream come true and I was only days away from saying, “I have been to the fair!” A real childhood memory was just moments away.

We had moved now and my grandmother had wisely moved us close to this fabulous State Fair, so close that I could hear the orchestra of ferris wheels, carousels and roller-coasters being set up. The aroma of the fair grounds began to carry themselves into my bedroom window. I was so close I could taste it. How could life get any better? I had gone from hell on earth, to childhood prison to now a fair!

The eve of my childhood was about to begin and as I pulled on those ninja pajamas I felt something that I really couldn’t place before in my life. It was an excitement that I can only compare to looking for Santa out my bedroom window and hoping he would bring me my double decker trap door secret ninja lair with matching companion training facility and 3 pack of ninja warriors WITH chopping action karate arms! Yes I was experiencing a childhood excitement that I would remember for years to come.

My grandmother called me to the kitchen for our nightly routine, “Take one of these, this one and chew this one”. On this night there was another candy that joined the pack. This one was new and was to help with the side effects created by the other little demon candies my body would consume. It was a simple looking fellow. This was just one more to add to my arsenal of stereotype killers. Yes this minute pill promised the world and soar to be the cure all, fix all, master of the house, ends here side effect destroyer. If only this was so.

Down it went into the anatomy of my small boyish frame. And to sleep I went with the smell of my fair sneaking through my window the my grandmother had cleverly left cracked just enough to let the sweet fragrance through. I was only hours away from my SomcusBorge of Orcousborges and the beginning of my real live childhood.

The morning came, the sun rose, but I did not. My grandmother found me in a state that she simply called, lifeless. My body laid motionless on the bed and there was barely a hint of breath. After a moment of almost statue like pause my body began respond to the sounds of my grandmother’s pleas to awake. I would still not fully wake and although sleep was nothing new for me, something about this was different. I wasn’t sleeping it was as if I was in a state of coma. I simply remember laying in bed in a trance of frozenness. Unable to breathe normally, unable to sit up and for the first time since living with my grandmother I had met an obstacle I could not overcome. I neither had the strength nor the mental power to out dual this little demon killing pill. The pill had failed to accomplish it’s goal and it had created a worse side effect then I had to date experienced.

What felt like hours past and my grandmother was finally able to bring me to some type of awaken consciousness. In such my young body reacted with a violate outburst of sickness. Rising to walk was impossible and food seemed to exit as quickly has it entered. Rooms spun in circles and the carpet seemed to be placed over king sized waterbeds. Nothing was right and nothing was fair. My childhood memory had shifted from ferris wheels, carousels and cotton candies to bodily chaos and torment. As fast as it had come so to did it leave, my childhood dream of stuffing myself full of candy goodness and sailing high above the clouds on a wheel of delight, was gone.

My grandmother had done much for me to this point in my life and I truly did not know all until I sat down to start this online ‘book’ and truly share my childhood with all those that care to read. I did not know the challenges she faced nor did I comprehend the love she had for me, her grandchild of only but a few weeks. As I will write in my future chapters my grandmother gave up more then her Saturday night dates to care for me and this memory was more proof of her love for me. As a child you remember things not as they always are, but as they should be.

After days of dreaming and excitement my fair dream seemed all but over. Then came my grandmother, my real life hero. She was about to fix everything and I would see my towering ferris wheel and experience my first ever cotton candy trap! Nothing could stop her, nothing. She reached under my tormented young body, lifted me up and carried me out of my bedroom. She transported me through our home and out into our small front yard. Cars lined our street as drivers and passengers alike exited and headed to the fair grounds. I too weak to walk was held up by my grandmothers loving arms and no little demon destroying pill was going to stop us.

Step by step my grandmother carried me closer and closer to my dream. I was only moments away from sailing above the clouds, from over sized teddy bears, plastic toys that stretched for miles and heavenly cotton candy. Nothing good stop us now. If only this is how it truly happened.

The reality of the situation was, yes my grandmother did try to help me walk to the fair, but my young body could not make it. Her heroic feats fell short, my young body collapsed just inches from the fair grounds, not just out of physical turmoil, but a crushed spirit. My body could not take it and my mind followed suit. My childhood dream was on hold as my childhood actuality took hold. That night I remember lying in my bed hearing the steel of my ferris wheel crying out for me. Creaking as it went around and around with out me onboard. I smelt flavors that I could not taste nor touch and I saw flashes of light as the carousel spun on in spit of my absence.

As morning settled in so did my next trip to the ‘lab’ or doctors office. The doctor said that my young body had experienced a seizures like reaction to the drugs interaction with not only my young frame but also the arsenal of ‘candies’ I was already taking. As my grandmother relayed the story of the day before all I could think about was what I had missed and what joys I had not had. My young mind filled with anger, anger for the doctors, the labels, my mother, my father, my stepfather and for all the nurses that had so eagerly given me my demon candies. I felt pain, pain that could not be understood nor controlled. I had to let it go, I had to show everyone what they had done to me. I was done, I wanted my fair, my fair shot at life. I let go right there and then, right where all could see me, feel me and hear me.

I grabbed everything my small hands could grip. I kick, screamed and threw everything in sight. I seemed to of left my small stature for a brief moment and turned into a miniature HULK. Nothing was out of my reach of destruction and I was going to show everyone just how upset I was. Not for missing the State Fair, but for not getting my fair shot at life. Missing the State Fair was the greatest side effect my childhood mind could ever endure.  This little demon ‘candy’ had won and I was not going to let these men in white coats get away with it. My life was not supposed be this way, I was with my grandmother I was supposed to be done with challenges and done with lab coats, pocking and testing me. This wasn’t fair!

My outburst of emotion only did two things, embarrass my grandmother and label me. I was the problem, not them, not the past, me. I was out of control, uncontrollable and untamable. I am not sure what we left with from that doctors office, but I do know that that would not be the last time my young mind would become overloaded and release. Nor would it be the last time my body would give up on me and shut down to avoid consuming more incubus candies.

I didn’t get my fair that day, nor did we attempt to return to the fair for many years after that hectic day. This day proved to only be a prelude to what was to come on my journey in life. The after effects of that little pill would be felt for many years to come. I would battle through more and more challenges due to medications and my buried memories. I would have many more stories to share of missed childhood experiences and lifeless moments, but non more memorable for a small child then the day I missed my State Fair.

They say that a child between the ages of 0 and 5 gains 90% of who they will be and what they will become. While I agree that it can shape you, I do not agree it will define you. My young childhood was full of horror and grief. I saw, felt and experienced things that no child should endure and as it has effected my life and moments therein, it has not controlled me for the duration of my life. I would beat the labels I was given during my stay in my Red Brick prison and I would to some become a medical miracle, but more importantly I would get my cotton candy.

I would experience the ferris wheel, the carousel and I would get one of those overPRICED teddy bears in the medium size. I would fall prey to the cottony candy trap and find myself spinning needing more and wanting more sticky goodness. The candy of the cloud Gods would be mine and I would conquer it’s crafty trap by simply devouring it slowly and letting a friend carry the sticky cottony glory. I would have my fair memory and my fair shot at life.

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